Hey guys, in tears writing this can somebody please reach out to me (F21)

so long story short, I have just had a mental breakdown over the past 2 months after the realization that I have been numb and in denial for the past 4 years since I left high school in 2017, I haven't been functional enough to even be able to go onto college just yet, I know I amn't ready. I did seek help after I had suffered depression in 2018 and knew I needed support going forward but was dismissed by psychiatrist/ lack of resources in mental health in my country. In fact one moron of a psychiatrist actually said I should be grateful for not having schizophrenia like the other patients... what a STUPID thing to say to a patient after I just having disclosed to her my traumas and life story, I had cut aged 13 and had anxiety/ OCD so she should fucking have known.. it's actually like some of these mental health have no true grasping at to what having mental or emotional issues are like..

So I guess I repressed after this and tried to convince myself I was "fine" but now I know I most certainly was not "fine". I decided to live alone from 2019-2020, had v good intentions and wanted to get my act together but in hindsight I just completely plummeted again and developed a horrible eating routine of like 5000 calories a day (im a small girl) with no exercise or even energy to leave bed, gained tone of weight from eating my feelings

It took a public panic attack with muscle spasms (I thought I was having arthritis/ heart attack!) when I was only doing grocery shopping just 3 months ago to realize actually admit how I have been feeling...

I never realized but I do indeed suffer from "lack of motivation" ,something I was never able to even put into words since I am so ambitious, this DOES NOT MAKE SENSE TO ME...I probably have come across naïve with my ambitions , I literally have 0 energy to get started or get out of my bed.... I DO NOT UNDERSTAND why this I am self sabotaging like this, ofc bad habits and laziness does come into but the docs have now told me it's low mood that's there too.

I HAVE BEEN FEELING THIS WAY FOR YEARS!

even though I have been v ambitious since about aged 14 with a specific goal in mind, I think back to my teens and just realize my bubbly personality was just a facade... I had actually been depressed, and it does make sense - When i was 13 my life fell apart , Family issues, dysfunctional extended fam trauma, My Dr. father coming back into my life putting pressure on me and REABANDONING me, not happy in my friend group I was stuck in, Non existent sex drive and the rare time I am attracted to someone, I couldn't even kiss/ go out with them.... a touch of emotional damage comes into as well with trust ,I had seen psychologist from age 13-15 for ocd/ anxiety and thought I overcame it , as i was happy aged 15..... but hindsight tells me we stopped to quickly and didn't actually :( as i was still anxious about studies and below average student .

I already know I was rittled with anxiety because never studied properly/ put proper effort in and worked myself up. Sure fear of failure plays part too. I do know deep down I have the ability just suffered severe confidence loss. I actually know exactly what I want to do in life I've just been too anxious regarding studying workload and the way I numbed this anxiety was PURE AVOIDANCE and SOLID PROCRASTRINATION for the past 4 years.

I have been feeling so guilty and know I have fucked up. I've been given every opportunity in life and wasted my parents money. i have been cutting and OCD helps me cope too. Has anyone severe anxiety regarding studying/ school to the same degree as my mine, to the point where you just don't try at all??? Lack of social circle prob hasn't helped with motivating me so to get sorted with a psychologist soon

With this breakdown has come literal shaking over EASY schoolwork..... this is how I realised I do have an an anxiety problem, panic attacks, bouts of deep depression and suicidal ideation, something i have never before experienced and is scary tbh

I am so angry with myself. But am now starting to realise there may be a chemical imbalance. Idk any the of the science of this but have been prescribe setraline for my conditions, but want meds to be the last stop, I haven't ruled them out but just cant take possible side effects rn. Im sure most in my situations would be on them by now.. i have no friends or social circle but am HOPING I regain some confidence. I also want to sex for the first time lol, just try to elevate my mood

I do need to get more social support and will hopefully soon have psychologist for moral support. anyone in similar situation? how did you get back motivation? anyone on stetraline?

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tnx

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