ever since i first played team fortress 2 when i was 5 years old, i knew i wanted to become a professional gamer. until this day, it’s legit the only thing i want to do in the future. i literally can’t see my future without it; to the point where i’d rather be dead. it doesn’t help knowing that now there are kids way younger that can destroy me. i always see people with the same dream as me grinding and putting their full workload into it, while i’m over here doing nothing. i consider myself better than average, so my ego is like a rollercoaster. when i do good, i have the feeling of becoming pro. when i do bad, i feel like it’s never going to happen and i should just quit. it’s a daily endless cycle. there are people that devote their whole day to practicing and refining their craft, while im only doing a couple minutes. i get super demotivated when im up against someone way better than me. i can describe it as if i’m only doing this as a hobby, but deep down i want it to be much much more.
when i have rare days when i do practice, i end up getting in my head saying things like “why am i even doing this? i don’t need it.” or “what’s the point? someone else is going to outshine you.”
i also used to devote all of my time to bowling. i practiced almost every day, winning many awards and scholarships, even being named an all-star multiple years in a row. my mental game was amazing, never giving up from being down, and constantly going up against the pressure. recently i quit that sport because everything started to feel like a chore, and because it’s not what i truly want to do.
in gaming, i often have those moments where i feel like i’m in the zone. i hit all of my shots and make crazy plays; but it dies down very quickly, as if it never happened.
this happens with my personal life as well. i wanna become more fit, but after a couple push-ups i just don’t see the point anymore.
i just need help. i want to be “in the zone” all the time.
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