I have always wanted to change the world for the better. I have always seemed to have a different viewpoint than others around me. I care about things that no one else seems to care about. I grew up in a dirt poor family. My parents had 3 children they didn't want in their very early 20's. They blamed us for ruining their lives. A recent and very frank conversation we all had revealed that my parents have never loved us. My mom said she never felt loved by us as children so she never loved us back. My dad said that he feels we blame him for the very abusive (mother), basic needs not met childhood we had and that we should feel bad for holding anything against him because it was the past. He say's that there is no way he can make up for the things that were done so he is never going to try. That part hurt. It would have been nice to see him care. I personally have decided that they were young, stupid, and human and I want to have at least some of the feeling of having parents so I forgave them and told them so. They have gotten a lot better since then and are very nice to my sister's kids. I was raised to believe I am a waste of oxygen. I wasn't allowed to talk to or look people in the eye around my parents as I am worthless compared to others. I was prohibited from doing anything that would help me move forward. Everything I worked for was destroyed once they found out. And not just them, it seemed that every time I worked toward something it would fail. I would research every possible thing about something so I could protect things better but it always seemed as if I were cursed. I am 29 now, I have always dealt with crushing depression, only a year of community college (I had to drop out despite working 3 jobs, no days off, starving, goal of keeping the roof over my head). I always kept trying to move forward. Keep my chin up, keep going, keep fighting. I left my parents house at 17, still in high school. I moved into what was essentially a shed with a bathroom. My boss taught me to drive and I got my license when I was able to go on my own at 18. I saved all my money and bought a car. The recession hit and I had to drop out of college (legally I was counted as having my parents income until 24, so I couldn't get financial aid & was already working every waking moment & still couldn't afford it). I could only ever get soul crushing jobs, mainly in factories. They made me suicidal though so I left them behind. Alive and poor is better than dead. Every time I found a job I could stand I worked my butt off to show the higher ups that I was more than the bottom of the totem pole. It never worked out. They would just see me as someone to do 3 people's jobs for the price of one or I would get harrassed verbally or sexually and have to quit. I have never been able to earn enough money to be stable. Every roomate has problems with me being careful on how my resources are spent so it always ends after a year. I get it. No one wants to budget for a poor person if money isn't a problem for them. I have lived a very solitary life. People have a problem with me not wanting to drink, do drugs, or sleep around. I have been told multiple times that I am the worst kind of person because when I don't do those things I am shaming everyone else. I lost a close friend because she believed those were the things that young people had to do. She actually said that. I assure you I always take care not to shame anyone for their choices. I know we are all different and no one is perfect and what is right for one person may not be right for another. Addiction runs in my family and I don't want to get tangled up in it so I stay away. And despite my terrible life I believe in soulmates so I don't see the point in sleeping around. Being reckless seems like it's no big deal sometimes but it can have really terrible consequences. And I like to do things as perfect as humanly possible so no one has a reason to attack me. I don't hold anyone else to those standards, though. I know they aren't fair. I feel like I am stuck. I have dreams but I feel like they are becoming pointless. I have always wanted to help people to have a better quality of life and avoid the things that ensnared me. I want to move to around Tampa, FL. To be near the ocean and warmth. Most of the time I just feel stupid for wanting anything. I can't help myself so how could I help others? And Tampa is a nice city in FL, there is no way I could afford it and if I could I would still be alone and cursed. I will always still be less than everyone else with nothing to offer. I feel like I used to be this different person with discipline and bravery and hope, but somewhere along the way I was crushed too much. I know this seems like I am whining and pathetic but I guess I just really need some guidance and encouragement if anyone has any to spare.
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from Things that motivate you http://bit.ly/2IL8pGl
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